Barn politics seem to be a fact of life for most of us.  Show barns are like families - all types of relationships and a bit of dysfunction at times.  I have had the opportunity recently to be at various show barns, watching and listening to the mom's and children interact.   Some seem to work very well and others are heading for disaster with competition, favorites, hurt feelings and unnecessary gossip.  Barn politics are here to stay but maybe we can find ways to more successfully manage them.
 
Recently, I have received email from several moms talking about their own experiences with barn politics and bemoaning the fact that they have to put up with it.  I firmly believe that one of the reasons a client may choose to leave a trainer is due to unpleasant behind the scenes barn politics. On the other hand, many of us put up with barn politics to stay with a trainer.  We may have a variety of reasons like travel, training time, show schedules, quality care for horse and rider, or it may be the only game in town.
  
We all spend a great deal of time with our barn families in the viewing room, watching lessons, traveling to shows, and sitting around at shows.  There are early morning breakfasts and late night dinners.  During our most intense years of showing, our 'barn family' were our closest friends.  Who else can discuss the benefits of wrapping with or without poultice or which of the hundreds joint supplements work best?!? We certainly spent more time with our barn families than with our non-horse showing friends.

In most barns there are a range of ages from the short stirrup kids to the older adults with pre-teens, teens and young adults mixed in.  Riders of all ages spend time together while they prepare for shows, take care of their tack, and debrief after their lesson or ride.  There usually is an easy camaraderie among older children and adults since they share a passion for riding.  Moms tend to hang out, some help out but end up with extra time on their hands and begin to chat with other moms.  

Good Barns Work Together
Many barns have a tone often set by the trainer on what is appropriate behavior, how to work together, and actively work to keep the barn politics to a dull roar.  The trainer seems to be the glue that holds the barn together setting a standard for sportsmanlike behavior and enforcing a set of values.  I think more experienced trainers have the wisdom and experience to keep the peace in the barn while younger less experienced trainers sometimes struggle to balance competing client interests.

There is an unspoken respect among the families that is communicated to the riders who in turn practice good sportsmanship and seem to manage some of the common jealousies and competitive nature that goes with horse showing.  Trying your best and working hard is more important than who has the better or more expensive horse, who has the best tack or who always wins. There is mutual respect for one another and a shared spirit that is present in these barns.  
 
The Competitive Barn
This barn family has a different feel.  You can pick up a slight tension in the air.  There maybe tension with the trainer or among different riders competing in the same division or medal classes. In this case, there may be a division between those who show more often or show at the bigger shows.  There seems to be a hierarchy among those the 'haves' and 'have nots' - whether it is horses, tack, more lessons, or even attention from the trainer. 
 
The attitude in these barns is often about who wins, who does better and who befriends whom.  There may be cliques of girls who hang out together and leave out others for one reason or another. This trainer is lucky to be at the arena all day misses some of the drama back at the barn.  This trainer may stay focused and may even for the sake of their business decide to stay out of it.  Ever wonder why some trainers get scooters and stay away from golf carts?
Some teens that are already prickly on a good day get a win-lose attitude judging situations by what they do not have rather than what they do have.  There is more complaining and definitely more comparing between how they ride with how someone else rides.  In the competitive barn, it is hard to measure up to whatever has become the barn standard.  
 
If you are in one of these barns you have a couple of choices.  One is to keep out of the fray, find something positive to contribute and role model how to handle competition to your rider child.  Competition exists everywhere in the world so this could be one of those teachable moments.  Another option is to talk directly with the trainer and get her/him involved in the situation.  Try to have a conversation with them about what is happening and come up with some shared ideas for changing the environment.  Another option is to enlist the help of a couple other Moms.  I did this when the trainer was not interested and got the Moms to work together in front of the kids.    
 
The Political Barn
This is tough to discuss, but it happens.  This barn doesn't function as a family, but is truly dysfunctional. Infighting, gossiping, cliques, and often a high turnover results from poor attitudes and miscommunication.  It is the barn that seems to be in turmoil all of the time blaming the trainer, the groom, or the judge for a bad ride, a poor score or a bad day.  This leads to kds saying hurtful things to each other, even innocently just due to the overall attitude. The bad day of the "favored" rider becomes the bad day for everyone.  
 
This is the barn where no one is happy for very long.  We have stalled next to barns like this and talk about walking around on  eggshells.  I remember one time after a brutal discussion between a rider and groom, the groom asked if they could come work for us.  No one shares, meals are not a time to gather but to sit in your camp.  

This may be the barn where you would consider leaving.  As a parent, it is about doing what is best for your children and figuring out what environment or culture you want them to experience.  You may have other goals and then should figure out how to set the tone and the expectations with your daughter.  My antenna was always up with mine and she was not allowed to become part of the problem if barn politics were brewing. I hear Moms talk about meetings, shedding tears, and generally feeling at a loss on how to survive these barns. 
 

Tips for Creating the Great Barn Family (or at least surviving what you have):

1. Get involved
Form an alliance with other mothers.  Talk with them during lessons, when at the barn, at the ring when waiting.  Introduce yourself and get to know the other mothers so you know who is at the barn and when. Ask advice or help out the new moms.  

2. Share the Goodies
Bring food (always important) to the barn for morning lessons or at the barn when showing.  You would be amazed at how many mothers send their kids off to the barn or show without food and expect other mothers to handle it.  Join the party and be part of bringing the tasty treats.  

3. Role Model Good Behavior
Avoid the bad gossip, celebrate others success and provide sympathy for the losses.  Be willing to listen and avoid giving too much advice. Remember the motto - treat others as you would like to be treated. We show moms can get a little competitive so it is important to manage our own competitive urges and remember we are the parents providing role models to the kids.

4. Communicate with your values 
Communicate with your trainer. Pick your moment to communicate - not at the ring or the show barn for all to hear but in private, in-person, with a clear sense of your values, expectations, and an offer to help. Every family has their own set of values and it is important to communicate those.

5. Realize horse showing is about more than the ribbons and winning
Keep a perspective that winning is not the most important thing.  Sometimes we get a little too focused on the ribbons and not on the lessons learned, the horsemanship, the improvements, and the fact that life is not fair all of the time.  Yes there is bad judging sometimes, yes there are better horses or riders, or whatever your child may be saying out loud.  Be really careful what you say even in a moment of competitive angst. 

In summary, remember we all have a role to play in barn politics.  Maybe the best thing is to start by looking at our own behavior and that of our children.  I sure the trainers would agree - working with the parents can often be the hardest part of their jobs.

All this is easy to say but sometimes hard to do - have fun out there!  Keep smiling, find times to communicate with your trainer, and remember kids are always watching to see how we handle situations.