All good show moms know that working with Dad can sometimes be a bit of a challenge. There are those few great show dads who get up early, drive trucks and trailers, and can muck a stall or fill water buckets. But really, how many dads have you seen shine a pair boots or wipe slobber off a bitted horse - brings a smile to your face, doesn't it?
Most dads do not seem to feel the personal bond to horses and weekends of horse showing that is often seen in moms. I am not sure why, but fathers seem to be sports crazy in other ways. In our family, Dad played the supportive role of showing up - his favorite arrangement was to be called as our daughter was tacking up so that he could make a quick entrance, watch her show, applaud or whistle at the rail, and then leave after a few kind words. The idea of sitting for hours at a stall or in a golf cart chatting about horses, riders' lives and equestrian events did not appeal to him. The concept of hurry up and wait was something that needed to be reorganized and changed, not explained and tolerated. Discussions including items such as bits, saddles, feed supplements or correct equitation positions were simply not in his arena.
All the research says that dads play a very important role in their children's lives. They are role models and help define gender roles for their children. They bring a different set of parenting skills, a voice and attitude, and a parenting style that varies from ours. Their presence is key to raising healthy kids. If horse showing is your child's passion, then it is essential that dad's participation be worked out within your family.
There seem to be several different types of show dads - from the very absent and never seen to the active dad willing to spend the weekend. There are the dads who bring their computer and briefcase to the show and work away with an occasional wave to the family from the golf cart. Some dads, while the show group travels, stay home with the other kids and ferry them to their own weekend activities, and also keep the house or farm running smoothly. Each family seems to find its own solutions for making it all work.
Show Mom Stressors [due to Dad]
Every show mom knows there are a few stress points with this sport. One of those centers on buying a new horse. Almost every show mom has that moment when she is discussing the purchase of a new horse and she gets the "you are going to pay how much for a horse?" response from Dad. Buying and selling horses seems to be one of the parent stressors most of us experience. Some dads fondly remember what horses cost in their youth or have a limited perspective on what a competitive show horse costs in today's world.
A second major stressor is the budget for competitive horse showing. Staying competitive takes significant investment in time and money which may not be willingly shared by both parents of a rider. The total costs by the time you buy the horse, pay the trainer, purchase all of the correct tack and show clothes, pay the show fees, not to mention hauling, braiding, grooms (and those great show café lattes!) add up to a significant amount. Most families have to make some choices about how they spend their money and show budgets often become an ongoing parental discussion.
The other significant difficulty is time - time away from home, time away from other activities, time away from other mutually shared hobbies or interests. Most of us worry about the time it takes to show, travel, get kids to lessons and keep up with all of the extra effort required to be a competitive rider. Weekend travel, the winter circuit and shows to chase points or qualifications for national events all exact their toll on family life. It takes great planning, communication and understanding to make this work between parents.
Tips
Communication is a must. When we held our family talks about goals for the year, we planned an annual show calendar which was open to continual dialogue. We used dinner hours, traveling to and from lessons, and specially scheduled family time for our discussions in order to build our mutually agreed upon annual goals.
Including Dad in lessons at home, conversations with the trainer and other experiences outside of showing helped us demonstrate the commitment, determination and training of the rider. Sitting at the arena during lessons was a low key time for us to chat and for me to share what was changing, happening, working, not working. I often prepped the trainer and had her/him spend some time answering questions or providing a "professional's" perspective.
Educating Dad about horses and their cost is important. My strategy was to provide information on the expectations we had for the horse, competition in the ring from other horses, and investment return for having a healthy daughter who was committed to a sport. I put my sales points together and organized a series of conversations to give the idea time to settle in his mind. It was important that he came to some shows to see the competition so he understood what we were trying to do.
Never take him shopping to the tack store. Most Moms tell me this is a big mistake - it is better if they do not see what tack and show clothes cost. Seeing things in small doses rather than all of the items displayed with price tags is often too much for most dads. Bringing home items is one thing, modeling new items is great but take a dad to the store and it could mean trouble if they add up the true cost of every item head to toe. All kidding aside - this is an expensive sport do put your strategy together and work your plan.
Expressing appreciation is also important and sometimes neglected. My husband gave us a real gift by working with the show schedule and routine. My daughter and I have a very special bond and partnership because of our years in horse showing. I try to remind him regularly and thank him often for that gift of understanding and time at that point in our lives.
Father's Day is a great time for us show moms to think about the gratitude owed to dads for all their understanding, hard work, financial support and, of course, the co-parenting of our children.
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