ShowMom.com Newsletter - August 30, 2007

I have just returned from taking young horses (a yearling and two-year old) to their first horse show. I like to get our babies out to a horse show so they can start to adjust to the loading and unloading process, become used to seeing scary things like golf carts, and experience being off the property for a weekend. It is somewhat stressful, as you never know what the "babies" might do if they don't get into the normal horse show groove.

Loading and unloading was great.. thanks to all of the hard work from my daughter at home. She has gone to some classes on training horses to load and unload and the horses responded perfectly -- like they had been doing this all their lives. Getting into the stalls was another matter, however. The babies screamed and neighed... saying hi to every horse in the area. The first evening, I was sure that the horse show management was going to ask us to leave because of all of the noise. Hay seemed to solve that problem!

We went to the International Horse Park to a local show that uses that venue. Stalls are less expensive and there is all of the same activity from kids and ponies to jumpers. We got each horse out for lunging and a walk through the park each day. Our arms may have stretched a few inches from holding on, but we made it around without too much in the way of poor manners. We waited until no one was showing (early morning or end of day), so they got to see the schooling ring, jumps and more golf carts.

Kathy Keeley, Head Show Mom and Founder,
ShowMom.com

>>Feature Article: Leaving Your Trainer by Kathy Keeley, The Savvy ShowMom

Your trainer may not be appropriate for your style of learning. I had one friend leave her trainer because she was an adult and did not want to be yelled at like the kids were yelled at. She wanted a warmer, softer trainer who was more supportive. This past weekend, I watched a trainer who constantly yelled at a child on a pony after the show was over. The child was visibly upset, and at the first jump, she flew off the horse, as the yelling interfered with her concentration. The parents may want to rethink this trainer/rider dynamic, as this seemed a very poor fit to all of us standing at the ring.

Sometimes the barn atmosphere changes, and the trainer's new clientele may hold different values and standards than you do. The barn politics can present a problem, and a trainer who takes a hands-off approach in dealing with any conflict may not be the best situation for your family. Gossip and unhealthy competition in the barn are just two of any number of reasons you may want to leave a trainer.

In most cases, it makes sense to have a conversation with the trainer. Request an appointment to sit down, revisit your goals and expectations, and define the problem for your first conversation. This is best done not a a show, but back home just after a show. In the conversation, use language that is not blaming - use "I want" and "We expect" rather than "You should" language.

Pick a time when you can listen and hold a two-way conversation. Think through 1-3 prime points you want to make and be prepared to make these points during the conversation. Be prepared to listen and ask questions to clarify each other's perceptions. Ask for your trainer's input and advice for how to make things work differently or how you could work together to change things.

If your conversation ends without resolution or you emerge with the sense that leaving your trainer is in your best interest, then begin thinking about the departure process. Start thinking about what where you will go, what type of trainer you will need, and what timeline you are considering. Can you finish out the show year? Is there a natural point for leaving that would be less disruptive? Build your plan. If you have mutual agreement with the trainer, get her advice on another trainer who might work well with your horse and rider.

Give proper notice when you do decide to leave. Make it a calm conversation without drama and without any barn gossip. Ensure the trainer knows before the other families in the barn. Have a simple statement about why you are leaving and keep it at that. Take the high road, even if you are upset. Let the trainer know where you are going and why you are leaving, and put it in writing if necessary. Remember, avoid the blame game and keep the process simple while focusing on your goals and expectations as a parent and/or a rider.

When it is time to leave, do so with limited drama. I usually pick a time when few people are around and we can quietly pack up. I try to pack and move in stages, with the horses leaving during the day when few people are in the barn. I have seen people move during a show and create drama by moving from barn to barn. This would not be my style, as it causes a scene. I try to remember that the trainer is running a business and my job as a customer is to respect that fact. I have been treated unfairly and unprofessionally by trainers, but I do not want to role model that behavior for my child. Children are watching, and the more professional we can be, the better for them to learn how this is done.

I think switching trainers can be hard on children, and thinking through how to handle this with a child is important. Depending on their age, they should be involved in the thinking-through and decision-making processes. The younger the age, the more careful you must be and the more limited you are in what you can say and expect from them. Teens are more able to participate in the discussion, but the decision rests with you, not them. (Pre-teens and teens can be a handful, and backing the trainer may be more important than leaving - a topic for another article.)

I think most of us who are not trainer-hoppers think long and hard about leaving. We actually may tend to stay too long. I know I've been guilty of this in the past because I wasn't sure what to do at the time. Eventually, each situation worked out for the best, but perhaps I should have intervened earlier with some of our trainers. My daughter and I watched other trainers, compared situations, talked with other families, and saw some dramatic behavior. We talked annually at the beginning of the season --those long breaks over the holidays in December -- about the plans for the coming year. Her showing goals and goals for the season always involved a discussion about the trainer from about age 14 on. As she matured as a rider, we picked shows our trainer did not attend and went with other trainers for the experience. Each trainer taught her something different and it was a valuable experience, even if it was not always comfortable for our trainer.

So, be the Savvy Show Mom. Decide what is best for your child!

>>Idea: National Advisory Council of Show Moms

I am thinking about forming a National Advisory Council of Show Moms. I am looking for other Moms to help me with articles, submit items for the diary, and to blog from horse shows from around the county at all levels and activities related to jumping. What do you think? Email me at info@showmom.com with your comments and ideas. Want to volunteer? Let me know and I will send you a form to apply.

>>Ask A Question or Send a Comment: Some Recent Questions
I have had some comments from moms of sons, so I am working with them on an article on this topic. I just had a mom write to ask about balancing the family with showing and non-showing children, which will also make a great future topic for this ezine. Thanks to all of you who sent responses to my question about trainers in the last issue.

Missed the last newsletter on working with your trainer? Review it here.

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