If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put responsibility on their shoulders.
~Abigail Van Buren~

This is one of my favorite quotes when I think about giving advice to parents about how to help their children grow into responsible teens and young adults. Keeping children grounded into today's world of technology, instant communication and information overload can be a challenge. Giving them responsibility helps keep their feet on the ground and learn some important early lessons. As parents, we know that responsibility is something that increases and changes as the children develop through each stage of childhood. It starts with learning to pick up their toys and seems to go with lightening speed to handing over the keys to the car and then packing for college.

Horse showing is a great place to teach responsibility and provides limitless opportunities for parents to gradually increase the load and make sure their children's feet stayed grounded. It also seems to be the place where so many parents take the opposite approach and make horse showing a right rather than an earned privilege. How many times have we observed those "bratty" kids treat their trainers rudely, drop things and expect the grooms to pick up after them or show up at the ring, do their ride and leave with no work effort required. I am not sure those kids end up with their feet firmly planted on the ground.

I think those parents are missing an opportunity to teach all kinds of responsiblity to their children. I do not care if kids are eight years old or 18 years old, there is always something that they could be doing in sharing the workload and learning to be responsible for what is happening around them.

Some tips about responsibility

Make it age appropriate - all responsibility needs to be balanced with the age and level of maturity of the child. All children mature differently and need to be assigned tasks for their level of maturity. Parents should be able to start with small requirements like feeding, checking water buckets, hanging up tack when done to increasing items like learning to braid, groom and bath a horse. Eventually, they may learn to drive a truck and trailer, lunge a horse, warm up in the arena or other tasks depending on the situation. Make sure assignments fit the developmental stage of yoru child.

Create a shared plan - parenting is a shared responsibility so a private conversation with your spouse or co-parent is an important first step. Have a conversation about your values, expectations and rules so that you are both on the same page and do not undermine each other. Develop a shared plan that you both can support and enforce. Too many of us think parenting is something we make up on the spot - a pre conversation can lead to a united front. Believe me children will notice if you are not if full agreement with each other. You may also need to communicate your values and expectations to the trainer so that she/he can support you. They have a huge influence on the child and can be strong role models if they understand your expectations.

Establish and clearly communicate the rules - it is important to establish your rules and clearly communicate those to the child, the trainer and any others involved in showing. Starting with the child is first - when they are younger it more you telling and setting the rules and as they age it is a negotiated discussion and later it can be their forming the rules to share with you. The communication pattern also changes with you telling less and asking more what they think the rules should be as they age. (rules is code for responsibility) Engage them in the process so they learn to set their own expectations, understand the impact of their actions and the importance of acting responsiblily.

Provide rewards and consequences - part of learning responsibility is also experiencing rewards for a job well done - especially when above and beyond the call of duty. Rewards can be as simple as ice cream treats or more complicated like a new saddle or bridle. Some parents use a chart with stars for younger children and a written contract with older children. This will depend on your parenting style. On the flip side, children also need consequences when they do not follow through and complete their chores or tasks. (I am in the mean parent category - I once made my daughter pack up and leave a show to make a point - we never had that issue again.)

My daughter has been showing on a collegiate varsity team and it really shows which kids have the responsibility thing down and those that do not. College presents many challenges with dating, drinking, and other activities. Collegiate teams do not have grooms and paid trainers so those kids who have not practiced being responsible seem to have many tough lessons their freshman year. Those that have not learned some responsibility seem to face too much freedom suddenly and stumble through some bad choices and the consequences of those choices.

It is never too early to start. The child development research says that kids begin learning boundaries and responsible behavior when they are two and three years old. All the learning to cross the street, hold a parents hand, sit at the table, not throw food and a million other little actions set the stage for the type of teenager that you will be living with. It is the old fashion act now and prepare for the future that seems to make a difference. Little steps that seem so small will have a big impact later.

It is the same with horse showing. Those little girls with pony tails and ribbons become the junior riders of the future. Setting up work patterns, expectations, and rules when they begin riding will only make the future junior rider more responsible and eaiser to live with. If you want your children's feet firmly planted on the ground as young adults, begin now to build their shoulders with the appropriate work expectations.

Horseshowing is full of teachable moments - do not lose the opportunity to use as many as you can!

Want to see other articles? Go to www.showmom.com.

Kathy Keeley

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