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Life Transitions
Transitions to adulthood
Life provides many opportunities for change and transition. I was famous as a young adult for saying “plant me in dirt, water me weekly and I promise I will grow – this experience I do not need right now”. It never did me much good but it brought some humor to some pretty bumpy life experiences.
One of the major life transitions in the horse showing world is around mothers and daughters as they age out of the Junior classes and become adults. My angst began in that last year of horse showing, her senior year of high school. I had watched other show moms disappear or show up very infrequently. I began to wonder how I would handle the transition from a jam packed weekend schedule that centered around horse showing. Not only was I having yet another child graduate from high school, going off to college but I was losing a way of life from the last 6 years.
My angst was a personal one that I could not really share with the trainer – who seemed to be looking at me as a customer with a limited future. Other Mom’s seemed to have children who were continuing to show as adults by either living at home or taking their horse to a school with a show program. I watched one family bribe their daughter into staying home and going to college by buying her yet another show horse. There were some Moms who just seemed to be prepared for this change as they sold the show horse and gave up horse showing.
I figured out pretty early on that this was my problem and not my daughters. She had her own grieving process over ending this type of horse showing and the normal child parent t;ug of war over leaving home to go to college. She was going to continue riding horses on a varsity team several states away and her life was full of possibilities. I was the one who was not going to be horse showing, driving the truck with horses and spending those mostly wonderful weekends in close proximity to my child. I actually missed her last horse show on the circuit before college due my mother being in the hospital so life just continued serving up its challenges.
Midway through the year, I wise upped and remembered that my job as a parent was to let go and continue helping her to transition into adulthood. She would be going to horse shows as an adult and my role needed to change. She was evolving from a teenager to an adult and I needed to make sure this worked for her. She needed more responsibility not less, more listening than advice and mostly needed me to step back into the shadows of her life. I had to move from directing to guiding to being ready to be asked. She needed me to role model how a Mom can let go, give her the space she needed to be an adult. It didn’t mean I stopped going to horse shows but I had to step back, be somewhat less present and work on forming this new parent adult relationship.
I hear from many mothers as there daughters enter adulthood that they miss horse showing and the special connection they had with the horses, the activities and the social interactions. Daughters tell me they still want there mothers to show up but there is a shuttle change or shift in the relationship. Daughters do more of the work or work with the trainer and groom, they interact in the barn with the adults and want girl time without their mothers around. Mostly they want their mothers to be that unconditional fan – the person who watches them show, cheers them on and if needed can add a helping – not a controlling- hand.
To all of you young adults – be kinder and gentler with your mother. Change is hard on both of you. You might also consider a thank you once in a while for all those years getting to where you are now.
Veteran show mom Kathy Keeley has six years of horse showing experience from locals to A Circuit to NCCA Varsity Equestrian Shows. Get your free horse show packing list when you subscribe to our newsletter at ShowMom.com, the first online community created especially for horseshow mothers and daughters who want to learn how to successfully navigate the horseshow circuit and maintain a great mother-daughter relationship. | |
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