Yesterday I had lunch with a friend who was in the middle of buying a new horse for her daughter.  The cell phone was going off as the negotiations continued; the daughter was calling to see if they had got the horse, and my friend was on pins and needles worrying whether or not she was doing the correct thing.  Hunter-jumper horses cost a great deal of money these days, and I think every mom has that feeling in the pit of her stomach about whether this is the right thing to do.  From the moment the trainer says those words, “we need a new horse,” we know three things:  it will cost money, we likely have a current horse to sell, lease or retire, and we are about to start a roller coaster of emotions with our child.

It seems like there are four stages we pass through on the way to getting that new horse.  As far as I am concerned, each comes with its own trials and tribulations and each stage comes packed with emotions for rider and parents.  I think the trainers get accustomed to this drama, as many take this as a business decision and become used to many horses coming and going. As a parent, however, my first reaction is a deep sigh, then a tightening of my gut as I imagine explaining this to Dad, and a fond goodbye to that great vacation I had planned. 

The Decision Process
The decision to get a new horse can be very quick, or it can be a long, drawn-out affair during which a child and/or trainer struggle to make the current horse work for whatever level they are showing.  It can be a long, painful process of watching a rider and horse be mismatched, with a slow erosion of confidence on both sides.  It can also be a snap decision of irritation by a trainer who is no longer willing to put up with a horse.  Eventually, there is the difficult realization that a rider has outgrown their horse, either physically or showmanship-wise.  

As a parent, I know the decision will be a painful one in my family.  It has definite financial implications for us, but I also have to figure out a process for helping my daughter let go of her current mount, and I need to make sure there is a plan for this horse.  I know it will mean some heart-to-heart conversations with the trainer about my budget, our goals, and some rules to govern the process.  I know my child will have some confusing emotions of both sadness and excitement.  I have to make sure that I help her with those swirling feelings in a way that is appropriate for her age.  In our family, we take our animals seriously and I know it will mean some tears on both of our parts.

So when the trainer says those fateful words – we need a new horse – get ready for a roller coaster ride of emotions, negotiations, and plans. As the parent, I start by establishing a plan with the trainer with a timeline and a budget.  I start figuring out what will happen to the current horse.  I begin a series of what will end up being several conversations with my daughter in order to figure out how to help her with the emotional and the financial expectations.  I want some direct and honest communication with my trainer about realistic expectations on fees, commissions, and type of horse needed to meet our goals.   I also stock up on Kleenex because this process always involves some tears from somebody.  

The Tryout Process
Our next phase moves into trying out horses.  There are those long days at horse shows, at specific barns, or visits to other farms to try new horses.  It can mean plane trips, tiring drives, or extra time at horse shows.  Suddenly, trainers who have never given you the time of day are your new best friends, with all kinds of horses to sell to you.  Some days you try one or two horses, and other days you try seven or eight.  Some horses are just plain lame; other horses are too green, too old, too short, too tall, or too much for the rider.  You learn to smile and keep a game face on whether you like or dislike the horse.  As Mom, I am watching the trainer and the rider for their reactions.  I am also watching the horse to see how it moves, how hot it seems, how it changes leads, jumps and fits with my rider’s level of riding skill.  I stand back at the fence and keep mostly quiet, watching and listening.

Emotionally, it is tough because I can be sure my daughter will fall in love with about half of them.  She will want to purchase three or four out of every ten, and will likely fall in love with one or two that may not fit our goals or the trainer’s expectations. I know we are looking for that one perfect horse that does not really exist.

My job is to keep everyone calm and focused on the goal.  I want to make sure the horse will fit our goals and last as long as possible.  If I could have my way, I would only buy that mythical horse that could be a jumper, hunter and an equitation horse; a horse who would be a pony one day, but could stretch to 16.3 hands when the time came.  He (no mares for this daughter) would jump a three foot course brilliantly, and then go into the jumper ring, and then the next year he would lay down a 3’6” course.  Okay, I know this is totally unrealistic, but think of all the money I could save with one horse that does everything! 

Each day, at the end of try-outs, I know I need alone time with my daughter to debrief.  The trainer will have already talked to her about the pluses and minuses of the horse from a rider and show perspective, but my parental antenna is out for the emotional match.  It is also a great teachable moment to talk about values and how people act during the sales process.  It is a time to manage her expectations according to my budget and her riding ability. It is a great time to work in little conversations about change, transitions in life and how to cope.  It is also a time to continue with the “letting go” conversations while she is high on getting a new horse.

Communication with the trainer is key.  We need to be having clear and open conversation; I am putting my trust in them as a professional, and I expect them to treat me as a customer who needs their expertise.  I want direct one-on-one communication without my daughter present:  I am the adult in this transaction.  I want a realistic conversation about money, fees and commissions (I am still looking for this in a trainer). I want their assessment on the horse and how it fits with whatever goals we have mutually set.   Somehow, I find that this is the time when my relationship with the trainer is most strained. 

The Purchase
Once we find the right horse, we move into negotiations.  Money now takes on a primary focus.  Sometimes there are complicated trades of horses with cash going one way or the other.  There are offers back and forth, and conversations among trainers.  Now we get serious about commissions, those awful referral fees, and negotiations to take the horse home on trial. Trying the horse at an actual show is a good experience, but having it at home for a few days is also a good pre-purchase activity.

As Mom, I have five things I must make happen:

1. Make sure the horse will meet our goals. Will it take my rider to the next level or two?  Is it safe, and a match with her current and expected future riding ability?  Can she both enjoy and learn something from this horse?  
2. Have the heart-to-heart with Dad.  We need an agreed upon budget and I need his buy-in and understanding.  I expect his first reaction to not be that I have lost my mind or that we need to get the soccer ball out again.  I know that in the long run we have to manage this together as parents. I need to prepare him for what it costs and why it costs so much. The last thing I want to be doing is fighting over price when we are about to make an offer.
3. Get agreement on price. I must make sure I have done my due diligence regarding the market to make sure it is a fair price.  Have I personally researched the horse’s show record and history through my network and online at showtime.com?  Do I have the money, and is it in my price range for my budget?
4. Build the plan for the current horse.  It is my job to get a plan for the current horse – are we keeping it, or retiring it?  is it a horse that can be leased in our barn or somewhere else, or can it be sold and, if so, what is our sales plan?  (Better yet, consider donating to an equestrian team!)  I want to make sure this horse, who has been our responsibility, has its own plan for the future and that it goes into a good situation. 
5. Get the horse vetted.  I have learned a lot about vetting over the years and I’ve even been burned a couple of times.  As a result, I now have my own set of rules.  I always do my own vetting, with a vet I know or have hired.  If out of town, I hire them and make sure I talk with them before and after the vetting, in addition to the trainers.  I require that they take blood and hold onto it for a week to see if we have to test it.  I make them take a set of X-rays, even if some exist from as recent as 6 months ago.  Sometimes I may do just the front legs, and sometimes I do a full set.  I do this for two reasons:  I want no surprises, and I want to know how to take care of the horse.  I am an experienced buyer, so I expect imperfect results on any horse who has been showing, no matter the age.  I just want no surprises and I want to know what kind of care and upkeep this horse will require.  I am realistic and I want full disclosure to make my own decisions.  I think it is toughest on first time horse buyers to pay out $50,000 to $100,000 for a less-than-perfect horse, but these guys are athletes and things happen.

Managing the transition
This last phase may be a surprise, but let’s be realistic.  Every horse and rider has a time period of up to 6 months to adjust to each other and their way of riding.  Every new horse takes time to figure out and too many families think a new horse and rider combination can start out winning.  Rider and horse have to become in tune with each other and each will have their challenges to face.  I believe in the six month transition plan, and I try to manage everyone expectations – especially my child, who can be hard on herself.  It is unfair to expect blue ribbons the first or second show.  It takes time to create a winning team and I want realistic expectations for the horse, the rider and the trainer.   It all takes time and it will not help things if I push too hard, too fast.  

I also look fondly at that horse in my barn and think of the great vacation planned, the new car that is not in the driveway, or whatever else came out of my budget to get him here. The trials of being a show mom!


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