Working Through A Slump
By Kathy Keeley

Horse showing can provide many types of lessons. It's an opportunity for learning some important life lessons for both teens and their parents. Sportsmanship, facing competition, and learning to deal with the losing can be significant teachable moments for a parent. We have a unique role to play in helping our children keep their perspective and we can provide important emotional support during a tough time. Not winning ribbons may be hard for someone who is used to winning all the time but it certainly does provide a dose of what real life can be like.

Every athlete can have a slump at some point or another. It may result from a bad fall, a change in horses or fence heights, a green horse with some bad habits, or just an off day. All of these situations can result in a loss of confidence. Usually, something happens to shake the riders confidence and a difficult cycle begins with problems, more loss of confidence, and more tears and frustration.

Riding is tough as it requires two athletes who must be well matched to what they are doing. It's not like swimming, tennis, or golf - equipment can't stop, get spooked or have an off day. It's not like basketball or soccer where team members can come to your rescue and cover for you. Riding requires that both the horse and the rider be in sync with each other.

As parents, the hard part is watching your child go through the riding slump. It's hard to go to shows and watch the frustration grow and an attitude become more difficult (often a pre-teen or teens way of coping with situations). You ask yourself, "is it the horse or the rider?" As parents, we struggle with how to help, when to intervene, and when to stay quiet. We often can find opportunities to provide some insight and guidance that might help a child grow and gain perspective on their situation. Other times our mere presence can be cause for an outburst and harsh words - a reaction not to us, but to the situation.

This year has been difficult for my daughter. It's hard to write about it, but it seems important to share some of our experiences. We can't be the only ones who face a slump. Each child is unique and my heart goes out to those who try and try, ride every day, struggle to do their best, but cannot do the perfect hunter ride. I learned a long time ago that successful horse showing meant having the right trainer, the right horse and the right rider packaged together. All three have to work in tandem and if the fit is not correct, there can be tears and loss of confidence. The frustration usually gets acted out at home and life can be a challenge.

My daughter took a serious fall early in the show year. It was one of those bending lines, she missed the distance, and both horse and rider crashed into the jump. She was knocked unconscious and taken away to the hospital by an ambulance on a backboard. After a hospital visit with many tests, she came out of the fall with major bruises to her body. She also suffered a blow to the confidence in herself and her horse.

I know first hand what a slump can feel like and all of the questioning that a parent can go through. I have struggled with how to help her, how to stay out of the way, and what words of encouragement I can give her to keep going. It certainly has been a different kind of year than we all planned and expected. It can take all the fun out of horse showing and turns some weekends into mini-dramas.

These experiences are important learning experiences for children. It is a particularly important time for us to step in as parents and figure out how to help a child work through whatever their issues are. I try to stay focused on my role as a parent.

Some action steps include:

• Talk with the trainer privately and get her/his take on the situation. Determine what they think might be happening, what might be the cause and what kind of plan is needed to help the child. Does it mean more or fewer lessons, more or less time riding, a different horse, a different show schedule or a change in fence height? Would more time in the ring (what our trainer calls mileage) make a difference? This is your opportunity for a frank conversation on each of your perspectives. As a parent you may be able to point out some information on your child. I always trust my trainer with regards to the horse and the lesson plan but I know my child very well and can add some insight or information on her emotional state. (Note: make sure the conversation is private, not ring-side for all to hear. Also, you should not use this conversation as your opportunity to accuse or challenge the trainer.)
• Talk with your child in a supportive way when you sense there is an opportunity. The most important thing you can do is listen to their frustration, fears, concerns, burnout and worries. Listening can be hard but jumping to advice may not help the child face their own inner voice. They need to be able to tell you what they feel and think. Listening gives them the opportunity to voice what they feel.
• Adjust expectations. Maybe this is not the year to qualify for national finals or indoors. Maybe this is a practice year of just trying to do your best. Help them set realistic expectations so they are not constantly disappointed. Maybe this is the best your horse can do and you have to accept his level of jumping and preparedness. I am sure many kids dream of the perfect made horse or comment on other horses as being better, but reality is what it is.
• Help your child set some other goals - non-riding or riding related. Maybe it is how many jumps she does well or how she rides rather than what she wins in ribbons. Or maybe it is how she keeps trying and working at the sport that needs the recognition. Point out other things that are going well in her life - grades, school activities, a new relationship, a volunteer opportunity or whatever you can identify as a goal to be accomplished. Look for positives and acknowledge their hard work.
• Review if you have the right horse for her level of riding. This can be hard with the cost of horses but a serious look may be in order. Kids fall in love with their horses so this can be difficult. What about leasing a horse for a few shows to get confidence up. Maybe there are other horses in the barn to ride. This is a trainer conversation but the horse has to match the skill of the rider.
• Make sure that there is the correct amount of prep, training, and sleep before a show. Do your best to make sure the rider shows up rested, well-trained and ready for the level of show. Consider trying some local shows, a lower distance, or whatever else might provide more preparation before a show. Do not underestimate the role of sleep and rest.
• Watch for signs of burnout and the need to get some distance from showing. Constant frustration takes its toll. Worry, bad dreams, and anxiety can bring on some of the symptoms of burnout and maybe some time off is needed. The child may need permission from you to take a break or even quit altogether.
  
  Through it all, remember it is our job to be that unconditional fan, that person that cheers them on whether they win ribbons or not. We have to provide the support, encouragement, and a listening ear to help our children grow into strong adults. Keep your own cool and try to sort out your own emotions with other adults. Stay encouraging and supportive. Keep your own box of Kleenex handy.
  
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