Raising Teen Daughters
By Kathy Keeley

Parenting teenagers is a tough and demanding job. It takes courage, a good sense of humor and tremendous listening skills. Parenting takes our time, requires that we learn how to manage the ups and downs of those adolescent emotional outbursts, and understand our own buttons and red flags.

For years, I have taught a parenting class with a focus on sexuality and parenting. (I spent some time running a teen pregnancy prevention program and designed a training program to help parents talk with their children about sexuality.) I have listened to parents talk about music, TV and movies, peer pressure, and all of the external influences on their children. I’ve heard parents describe struggles with everything from R-rated movies to driving and dating. Many parents seem to throw up their arms at all of the outside influences on their children. It's almost as if they give up before they start.

Research has shown over and over that teens get most of their information, their values and their ideas from watching and observing their parents. It may seem like external influences from the media or their peers are more important. But in fact all the studies show parents and secondarily other adults like trainers, teachers, or ministers have the greatest impact.

We as adults are the real role models and need to remember that teens are watching us all the time to see how we handle situations. We need to ask ourselves what messages we are sending with our behavior? Think about a typical horse show. What messages does your daughter leave with? Think about a the conversations around the show barns - try listening to what some of adults are discussing under the listening ears of their teens.

Through all of the workshops, discussion groups and presentations, three things stand out as important tips for parenting teenagers:

• Listening, Listening and Listening Some More! Listening to teens is very important. We can learn so much from listening to what they are trying to communicate – and for teens it's often the message behind the outburst that really matters. We have opportunities to listen when we drive young teens to events or on school field trips. Try volunteering, be a silent observer and listen to the conversations among them. Make sure you listen to them when they describe a key event or a dating situation - they are trying to understand what it takes to have relationships. Listening takes our time and a certain amount of focus on our part.
• Use Teachable Moments. Find opportunities to educate your teens about adult situations and values including sexuality. Avoid the big single talk but break it down over time with a series of conversations. It can be watching a teen TV show or movie together and discussing what they saw and thought, what it means in real life. It can be watching adults or other teens behave in what you consider inappropriate ways and use this as a backdrop for a discussion on appropriate behavior. Teens hate the sit down talks – impromptu conversations seem to work so much better.
• Communicate Your Values. Teens need more than information or facts. They need to hear our values so they can begin to form their own. It does not help to provide facts without providing value messages about what we, their parents believe. I suggest both parents talk about their values on hot button issues ranging from TV and movies to dating and sexuality. (A united front is key when it comes to communicating to a teen. Spouses may need to talk amongst each other first to be in agreement.)
  
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